7 Tips for Dealing with a Difficult Ex
Divorce can bring out the absolute worst in people!
Calm people become agitated, kind people become irate, and happy people become depressed.
It’s hard to fathom that someone you were once in love with and committed your life to has morphed into someone you don’t know at all and is so difficult to talk with.
The problem is that to finalize a divorce and co-parent your children if you have them, you need to communicate, and often!
I was shocked to find out that my ex could get so angry at me and be so mean to me. At first, I fought back hard, throwing back just as many insults that were being thrown at me. What I learned was that I was getting nowhere fast. I wasn’t getting what I wanted in the divorce, I was anxious most of the time, and my children saw that I was always stressed out. Not the life I wanted to be leading or the example I wanted to set.
So, I set out to change things. My initial reaction was to distance myself from him as much as possible and communicate by email only and only when absolutely necessary. But that wasn’t helping much either because even his emails were coming in angry and our limited conversations left no room for honest and helpful cooperation.
I was literally praying for peace on a daily basis! And that’s when I realized my sense of peace was within my control. Those battles taught me how to cooperate to keep the volume down and the chance of getting what I want high.
Here are some tips for dealing with your ex and recovering your ‘peace’ of mind:
1) Be Calm, Be Kind. Set Boundaries. Going to battle fuels the fire and makes the situation worse. If he is yelling and you yell back, you have lost any chance of being heard. That means you’ve lowered your chances of getting what you want. So, if your discussion takes a turn for the worst and he yells or is hostile:
- Take deep breaths and maintain your cool
- Tell him he doesn’t have to yell to be heard and that if he does, you’ll have to hang up (which means he’ll never get what he wants because you won’t stick around to find out what that is)! That may piss him off at first, but setting that boundary is hugely important to your sanity and will benefit both of you in the long run. You don’t have to accept bad behavior.
- Respond in a firm, but soft voice expressing why you agree or don’t agree, and remind him that you’d both be better off if you find a solution than if you argue round and round.
No matter how much it pains you to be kind to someone who is so nasty, kindness will help your relationship with your ex in the long term (and if you have kids there’s a very long-term ahead of you!) and it will set the stage for negotiating what you want.
2) Read between the lines. What’s he arguing about anyway? Is he really angry that your daughter went to a birthday party and you didn’t tell him or did your ex have an awful day? In my case, when my ex had a fight with his girlfriend, he often took it out on me because I was the better option. Bottom line: sometimes the reason he’s angry has nothing to do with you. Just don’t tell him that he’s really mad about something else. Use it to calm your own heart and mind. That info will help get you through, and might even make you laugh.
3) Remember the positive. When you are knee deep in an argument you can calm things down by remembering something positive about your ex. Even if he is difficult, he must have some good qualities too (or you wouldn’t have married him). Focus on those good qualities, and you’re more likely to have a productive conversation.
4) Don’t play the blame game. It’s tempting to place blame on the other person. Whether you feel justified blaming or not, let it go! Blaming your ex just makes your blood boil and you’ll be less likely to cooperate. You may end up being the difficult person! That will almost ensure a lack of cooperation in the future, which sets you up for years of a tumultuous relationship and your likely to lose out on what’s most important to you.
5) Find something you can agree on. Focus on the particular things that you can offer that will show you want to be cooperative. For example, if your ex wants to change his schedule with the kids for this weekend and you can’t, offer another time that may work for both of you. And, think about whether what he is asking for or wants to change is really all that hard to make. Maybe you’re annoyed about his change in the schedule, but you didn’t have anything important to do anyway. Agree to the change now and you’re more likely to get his cooperation in the future.
6) Accept the reality of the situation. Sometimes reality sucks, but if you’re dealing with an ex who may always be difficult, the best thing to do is accept it. More than likely his anger will wear off some time in the distant future, but until then, recognize that you can’t change him (heck, if you could’ve changed him into what you wanted you’d still be married!). Instead, accept him for who he so that you can mentally prepare to deal with him. When I’d see my ex’s name pop up on my phone screen, I’d freeze because I didn’t know whether it would be Jekyll or Hyde at the other end of the line. But, I’d take a few breaths while the phone was ringing and go into zen mode. Your calm and centered reactions may not improve the situation, but losing your cool can definitely make it worse. So, deal with him when necessary, get it over with, and move on. (Or as my ex often says, ‘hit it and move on’ – See, I learned something useful from him, refer to # 3 above).
7) Get help from others. If you read my emails, you likely know this next line – don’t go through this alone! Find a friend or family member who has experience dealing with a difficult ex and ask for advice. Or hire an expert if you need to. Even one tidbit of info that will help make your life easier is worthwhile!
Click reply to let me know if these tips help you keep the peace and your sanity!
And remember, peace is within your control.
With love,
